terça-feira, 5 de novembro de 2013


Frozen in time, it's how I choose to remember you. Not moving, not ageing, just there, just here, forever. Eternally seared into my heart, for when I choose to look at you again, not to remember because I can never forget you, you will always be here in my mind, in my heart flowing around like a wind that won't settle down. But I have frozen you so that the wind it's less cold, less destructive, so that when I pick you up again, the memories, the feelings, will be warm, stable, less destructive.
I'm still working on picking you up only when I choose, sometimes, just like the wind, you come without warning, strong, and cold, and leave nothing behind you besides a longing that I will never be able to fill. 
That's the thing, isn't it? Longing? That's not quite right, there isn't a word, at least not in the English language that describes all the feelings that run havoc when your memory break free longing, sadness, nostalgia, missing... All of these appeal to a solution, to a temporary state, like you could fix it eventually, like there actually is an end to those feelings. But not this time, not in this case, just like your's my situation is permanent, it's never ending. Sure it will change at times, it can be numbed, but it can never end.
It wasn't even a choice, mine or yours. It just happened. There's no ifs, or buts, it just did.
And now I'm trapped here, with no choice but to relieve what will ever be again, forced to remember you, us, by the silliest, simplest things. Like the smell of smoke and leather, or the smell of newspaper, by the touch of warm hands on my cold feet, or the taste of chicken soup, by the sound of a music, or for the things we never got to do.
I'm here trapped, frozen, not moving, remembering the things that never happened and now never will.
My heart din't break, when you left. My soul didn't break. there wasn't a great impact  that the whole world changed, or stopped gyrating . 
It was just you that seized to exist, and left behind a string of memories of things that happened but mostly things that never will happen, replaying on loop over and over again. 
Because, you, me, us, we are frozen. Nothing new will happen, nothing new to remember, just what could have been and it never was...

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